Homestuck.XYZ 2.0

You are a Dungeon Crawler, and you have just crawled the shit out of this dungeon. All that stands between you and the Treasure now are these dudes in tacky armour. What do you do?

Walk right past them.

RoyalFiddle wrote: ↑

Fri Mar 13, 2020 1:42 am

>Walk right past them.

You attempt to walk right past them. You get strangled to death.

Try Again?

>Yes

You are a Dungeon Crawler, and you have just crawled the shit out of this dungeon. All that stands between you and the Treasure now are these dudes in tacky armour. What do you do?

>Give birth.

To GIVE BIRTH you must first GET PREGNANT.

>Insult their armor.

They are unmoved by your display of poor manners! You aren't sure if they even understand your language.

>Boy: Leave you are not ready yet.

You aren't sure if you actually have a definitive gender but okay, you backtrack to the dungeon entrance. Those guys were totally indomitable!

>Seduce the guards and roll a Nat 20 to do it.

Wait you just had an amazing idea. You go ALL THE WAY back through the dungeon to seduce the guards. You think it's working! One of them is walking towards you...

->

This is the wrong kind of penetration!

Try Again?

>Yes

You are a Dungeon Crawler, and you have just crawled the shit out of this dungeon. All that stands between you and the Treasure now are these dudes in tacky armour. What do you do?

Shoot them in their goddamn organs with your weapon

>Shoot the guards.

You fire at one of the guards, expelling your final bullet. The shot ricochets off the armor and comes straight back at you!

>Crawl at the speed of light, CRAWL LIKE YOUR LIFE DEPENDS OF IT!!!

Well your life kind of does depend on it so you bullet-time your way into a crawling position. You successfully dodged the bullet! But those guards aren't happy with your attempted murder. They seem to be coming for you...

23toedbasket wrote: ↑

Fri Mar 13, 2020 8:49 pm

>Shoot them in their goddamn organs with your weapon.

That was your last bullet, remember? You attempt to shoot the guard while he casually walks up and stabs you. This feels oddly familiar.

Try Again?

>Yes

You are a Dungeon Crawler, and you have just crawled the shit out of this dungeon. All that stands between you and the Treasure now are these dudes in tacky armour. What do you do?

>Try to sneak under the rug
>if it doesnt work use last bullet to take control of your destiny and finally meet that sick fuck Creatortm of yours

Complain to management of the place

> offer to split he treasure with the guards very convincingly.
> when the guards have their backs turned KILL EM BOTH VIOLENTLY!

23toedbasket wrote: ↑

Sat Mar 14, 2020 2:19 am

>Try to sneak under the rug

You begin shimmying your way underneath the rug. You think it's working!

->

You come to understand why they made the carpets red in this dungeon.

Try Again?

>Yes

You are a Dungeon Crawler, and you have just crawled the shit out of this dungeon. All that stands between you and the Treasure now are these dudes in tacky armour. What do you do?

>Backtrack through the dungeon and see if you can get enough bullets to kill both of the guards.

You decide to consult your handmade map before doing any laborious backtracking. You've solved as much of the dungeon as you can, and the parts that you haven't been able to beat make you want to shoot yourself in the fucking face!!!

23toedbasket wrote: ↑

Sat Mar 14, 2020 2:19 am

>Use last bullet to take control of your destiny and finally meet that sick fuck Creatortm of yours.

Staring at this shitty map again causes you to finally snap. You shoot yourself in the fucking face. You are going to find whatever lousy Dungeon Master built this shitty place and tell them what for.

Try Again?

>No

>Reset

You are a Dungeon Crawler, and you have just crawled the shit out of this dungeon. All that stands between you and the Treasure now are these dudes in tacky armour. What do you do?

tentativeTumbleweed wrote: ↑

Sat Mar 14, 2020 8:29 am

>Complain to management of the place.

You go back to the dungeon entrance and hit up the INFORMATION desk. Looks like only the Lore and Hints people are in right now. This place is so shittily run you can't even file a complaint properly.

>Try to turn invisible to sneak past the guards.

You fail to turn invisible, but you succeed at waggling your fingers kind of like you imagine you would if you could cast spells.

>Get Pregnant

You don't know how to get pregnant, so you quickly jog back to the information desk for help. On closer inspection this is just a massive cardboard box with pictures of people's faces glued to the front. How lame. You are no closer to learning how to give birth, and your craving for this miracle of life has not been abated in the slightest.

Merlin wrote: ↑

Sat Mar 14, 2020 9:43 pm

>Offer to split he treasure with the guards very convincingly.

You decide to stop fucking around and get on with the treasure hunting. You decide to just bribe the guards outright since you're kind of running out of ideas. It looks like they're thinking about it.

->

They huddle to talk to each other about your proposition...

Merlin wrote: ↑

Sat Mar 14, 2020 9:43 pm

>When the guards have their backs turned KILL EM BOTH VIOLENTLY!

You do your best to kill them both violently but you only have enough bullets to kill one violently. By shooting him right in his helmet's weak spot, oblitering his fucking head.

You gain a level! You are now at level 2. Your boon is a pair of RAD SHADES that grant you +1% bonus success on any action you take so long as RULE OF COOL is in effect.

->

You are dispatched by the other guard immediately after.

Try again?

>Yes

You are a Dungeon Crawler, and you have just crawled the shit out of this dungeon. All that stands between you and the Treasure now are these dudes in tacky armour. What do you do?

Start rabidly screaming about your existential nightmare laughing like a maniac about how you can never DIE IT IS ALL A CYCLE haHaHaHaHAHAHAHA * grin through the slaughter... maybe even help*

Try again?
>yes
>no
>skip level*click*

23toedbasket wrote: ↑

Sun Mar 15, 2020 12:01 am

Start rabidly screaming about your existential nightmare laughing like a maniac about how you can never DIE IT IS ALL A CYCLE haHaHaHaHAHAHAHA * grin through the slaughter... maybe even help*

Try again?
>yes
>no
>skip level*click*

What on earth? Your nightmares are far from existential. You're pretty sure you can die, even if it is something you've been trying to avoid your whole life. This is entirely meaningless to you, from your current frame of reference. If you wish to act on something this esoteric it would be wise to ascend a few walls first. Maybe climb to the fourth or fifth, where connection to the overall meta is stronger.

Climb the wall

23toedbasket wrote: ↑

Sun Mar 15, 2020 12:09 am

Climb the wall

You climb the wall. Now what?

Wow, that is just a straight flat wall... crawl along the wall

Set up your own dungeon and try to drive them out of business

Use the carpet as a distraction for the first guard, before shoot said guard, and using the book outside as a weapon for the other guard to deal with before you shoot him too.

Basically:
Carpet on guard, shoot guard, book thrown at other guard, shoot other guard

>Climb like a spider on the ceiling to get past the guards

You attempt to climb on the ceiling like a spider, but it's a lot harder to get a grip this way!

->

You fall on your head and snap your neck.

Try again?

>No

INVALID!!!

Please, try again.

>Yes

You are a Dungeon Crawler, and you have just crawled the shit out of this dungeon. All that stands between you and the Treasure now are these dudes in tacky armour. What do you do?

23toedbasket wrote: ↑

Sun Mar 15, 2020 2:30 am

>Wow, that is just a straight flat wall... crawl along the wall.

You have a brand-new, never before seen original thought. You try climbing along the wall.

->

Your attempt to climb the wall turns you into a metaphorical duck in a can! Or like a fish in a box. You forget what the expression is, but you're someone in a comprising situation who got stabbed to death.

Try Again?

>Yes

You are a Dungeon Crawler, and you have just crawled the shit out of this dungeon. All that stands between you and the Treasure now are these dudes in tacky armour. What do you do?

>Approach crawling slowly to the treasure door.

You decide to prostrate before these guys. Maybe a display of shameful inferiority will sway them to let you into the treasure room!

->

One of the guards comes over and tells you to get up, stop acting foolish or he's going to stab you.

>Put your hands up and dab.

He said to stop acting foolish!

Try Again?

>Yes

You are a Dungeon Crawler, and you have just crawled the shit out of this dungeon. All that stands between you and the Treasure now are these dudes in tacky armour. What do you do?

tentativeTumbleweed wrote: ↑

Sun Mar 15, 2020 10:30 am

>Set up your own dungeon and try to drive them out of business.

You decide to leave the dungeon to go set up your own.

->

You make your way to the nearest city, a place called Townburgstead.

->

You enter the Dungeon Registry and attempt to obtain a Dungeon License. But they reject you because you have no land to put your dungeon on! How could you forget such an important detail?

->

You return to the dungeon dejected and no more of a dungeon master than you were when you left.

RoyalFiddle wrote: ↑

Sun Mar 15, 2020 5:55 pm

>Use the carpet as a distraction for the first guard, before shooting said guard, and using the book outside as a weapon for the other guard to deal with before you shoot him too.

You only have one bullet so that's going to be tough but you'll do your best. You start by picking up the Book of Riddles.

RoyalFiddle wrote: ↑

Sun Mar 15, 2020 5:55 pm

>Carpet on guard.

You throw the carpet on top of the guard. He's all tangled up! The other guy is too surprised to move. He didn't think you would actually try something violent.

RoyalFiddle wrote: ↑

Sun Mar 15, 2020 5:55 pm

>Shoot guard.

You shoot the guard wrapped up in carpet while the other one readys his weapon.

You gain a level! You are now at level 2. Your boon is a pair of RAD SHADES that grant you +1% bonus success on any action you take so long as RULE OF COOL is in effect.

RoyalFiddle wrote: ↑

Sun Mar 15, 2020 5:55 pm

>Throw book at other guard.

You toss the heavy book at the other guy, breaking one of his horns and stopping him in his tracks. Now's your chance to finally be rid of these guys!

RoyalFiddle wrote: ↑

Sun Mar 15, 2020 5:55 pm

>Shoot other guard.

Nope, out of bullets.

Try Again?

>Yes

You are a Dungeon Crawler, and you have just crawled the shit out of this dungeon. All that stands between you and the Treasure now are these dudes in tacky armour. What do you do?

Oh shit I made progress!!!

Do the same thing as last time, but instead of shooting the other guard, do a sick ass slo-mo backflip over the guard after you've hit him with the book, and make your escape from there

RoyalFiddle wrote: ↑

Mon Mar 16, 2020 4:38 am

Oh shit I made progress!!!

Do the same thing as last time, but instead of shooting the other guard, do a sick ass slo-mo backflip over the guard after you've hit him with the book, and make your escape from there

That was actually the longest lasting life so far at 10 pages.

Write "how many times have we done this" on the wall with one tally